![]() ![]() In older age, most fantasies tend to decrease (but they do not disappear). As people approach midlife, both of those fantasies seem to decrease, while fantasies about non-monogamy, group sex, taboos, and novelties increase. “What I found is that young adults are the most kinky, but also the most romantic in their fantasies. “Most research on this topic has focused on young, college-age adults, so it was fascinating to see what mid-life and older adults were fantasizing about,” he says. He was also interested in findings on how fantasies vary across the lifespan, he adds. For example, about 80 percent of participants said their favorite fantasy is a desire, but only about 20 percent had ever actually tried to do it in real life.” In Lehmiller’s own work, he clarifies the difference between fantasies-what we want-and desires-what we want to do: “Most people have fantasies that are also desires-but few of them have ever acted upon them. That was true when Nancy Friday published her work, and it’s still true today.” “It’s also a sign that, despite people writing about fantasies for decades, little has changed. “Friday’s work was shocking to many people because it revealed that many women are fantasizing about things they aren’t ‘supposed’ to be fantasizing about,” he adds.īut rather than facing waves of outrage, Lehmiller says the most common reaction he gets from Tell Me What You Want readers is relief: “The single most common reaction I’ve had to the book is something along the lines of, ‘thank you for writing this, I feel normal for the first time in my life’-to me it shows how little most of us know about sexual fantasies.” Lehmiller, who is also a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, says Friday’s work came up “time and time again” in his research, illuminating women’s sexuality in the same way as Alfred Kinsey’s. His work revealed that the majority of men and women report fantasizing about forced sex. Justin Lehmiller is the author of a key 2018 survey of 4,175 American citizens and residents into sexual fantasies, published in his Tell Me What You Want. The brilliance of Friday’s book was to report on the true nature of women’s fantasy life-amplifying a quiet truth that remains unpalatable to this day, as well distinguishing between what women fantasize about and the kind of sex we actually want. ![]() While it’s understandable that editors (including Anderson) shouldn’t have to read exploitative or triggering reader submissions, part of the impact of My Secret Garden was its inclusion of fantasies about non-consensual sex. “As people approach midlife, fantasies about non-monogamy, group sex, taboos, and novelties increase.” Just when you think you’re about to get a thick and steamy anthology of what women want, we find the same censorship and control at play that keeps classics like Awakening and (ahem) Fifty Shades off the shelves. ![]() “Bait and switch” is as much of a turn-off in real life as it is in publishing. On the request not to use identifying information (such as names, pseudonyms and places), they explain: “Protecting your privacy (and that of others) is at the heart of our mission.” The exclusion of fantasies outside the guidelines is not addressed (and Bloomsbury declined to comment). In its notes on anonymity, editors write: “We have spent hundreds of hours discussing how to maintain anonymity, which has informed the decisions we have taken, including not to name the letter writers in the book, or credit the letters they receive.” ⋅ “References to real life events”-include events which only involve yourself. ⋅ Anything that “advocates for readers to engage in any activity that is illegal in the United Kingdom”-such as sex in a public loo, voyeurism, or soliciting sex work on the street. ![]() ⋅ Sexual activity involving “rape,” “graphic violence” or “dangerous sexual acts.” ![]()
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